Cancer Sucks

My Mom has cancer.  I never in a million years thought that I would say that.  It is a very hard reality to face.  In June 2011, she was diagnosed with lung cancer.  We were somewhat relived when they staged her at 2A.  July 6, 2011 she had surgery and they removed a grapefruit size tumor and half her lung.  There was a biopsy of other areas and lymph nodes removed.  We thought all was well and she was on the road to recovery.  My Mom was only 62 when she was diagnosed. 

On September 16, 2011 she called me because she was having some problems with the left side of her body and feared that she was having a stroke.  We talked about all the symptoms and she said that she would let me know what she decided to do.  I took my daughter to the local fair for some girl time, but I knew all along that I would receive a call that wouldn't be good.  Sure enough, I got the call that she was in ER.  My daughter and I left immediately to be with her and my Dad at the hospital.  It is about an hour drive and when I was about 20 minutes away, she called me.  She asked me to pull over and told me that they did a scan and saw a tumor, in her brain.  I yelled, I cried and I beat my phone against the steering wheel.  My mind simply could not comprehend what she just told me.  I made it to the hospital and they decided to transfer her to the hospital she was in when she had surgery.  It was very emotional there and I won't go into the private moments.

My daughter and I drove another hour to the other hospital and stayed with her and my Dad until 2:00 am.  The following day we went back, along with other family members to receive the news.  Seven tumors.  Seven freaking tumors!  Surgery was not an option.  She was brave and loving and scared all at the same time.  My sons birthday party was the next day and she insisted she be released so that she could attend. The doctors wanted to do Whole Brain Radiation Therapy.  She had the procedure in September.  In January 2012, she had SRS on 4 tumors.  On her follow up scan, some had shrank and were inactive and then there were new ones.  In April 2012, she had SRS on five.  That is a ton of radiation to the brain.  Not to mention the exposure from all the scans.

Since the Whole Brain Radiation Therapy, she hasn't been the same.  She requires twenty-four hour care.  My Dad has devoted his entire life to taking care of her.  The treatment put her down for weeks.  It exhausted her.  She went from being my active, motivated, loving Mother to a shell of herself.  It is so hard to see her this way.  The hair loss, the body changes, the memory, the anger, the pain, the sorrow.  She has had some really bad days and some really good days. 

I want to be with her as much as I can, but when I go visit she doesn't talk much.  I went yesterday and the whole time I was there I saw her for about 10 minutes because she didn't want to get out of bed.  I just want to be able to talk to her again.  Some days, it feels like I've already lost her.  She recently had the cement injection (Kyphoplasty) because she has fallen a couple times and fractured a vertebrae.  Before the surgery, she was put on muscle relaxers that caused massive hallucinations.  That was really hard to deal with.  Not only did she see crazy things, but we were all against her.

You think that your parents will live until they are really old. You don't expect it when you are still young and you have young children.  My two youngest may not have any memories of her at all.  That's a tough one to swallow.  My sisters and I talk and we keep waiting for the Motherly speeches.  We say if it were us, we would write our children letters, or video, or anything to tell them how much we love them.  We don't get that from her.  I don't blame her for it, it's just not who she is.  

As a family, we haven't spread the word about my Mom's cancer to everyone.  We don't post it on Facebook or anything.  Partly, because we didn't want any negative thoughts about it.  Especially when it was just lung cancer and we thought it could be beat.  But in order to let go of the pain, you have to get it out.  This is my means.  I don't know how much time we have.  I do know that when she goes, it will break my heart, but at the same time, I will be a little bit relieved that she is no longer in pain.  My heart aches everyday and I cry a lot.  I handled it well at first, but lately it has taken it's toll on me.  There is so much to the story, but like I said, I'll keep the private stuff to myself.  At least for now.

All I can say is, if there is someone you love...tell them.  You never know what can happen.

~Namaste~