When one door closes....

It's been a while since I blogged.  So much going on in my life right now.  It has been hell these last couple of years.  Of course, there have been some good moments, but a lot of heart ache too.  There has been a lot that I wanted to write about, but feared divulging too much of my personal life.  There was also too much anger in me to say the things that need to be said and have them be heard.  So, today, I will write about marriage.  My hope is that some of you may hear what you've needed to hear and can began healing.  I write today with good intentions.  There is no malice, no anger in my heart.

Marriage... possibly the hardest thing I have ever done and I have been through some crap in my life!  So many people get married for the wrong reasons.  The first thing I will say is that if are looking for someone to 'complete' you, stop.  When we look for someone to fill a void in us, we are sure to fail.  We are whole individuals and you cannot come to a relationship less than that.  When we truly love ourselves and know what we can bring to a relationship, then that is the beginning ingredient.  We should compliment each other instead.  What happens when you no longer have the need that your partner was fulfilling?  Then what?  It falls apart, that's what.  Marriage is about growth, compromise, understanding, loyalty, teamwork, trust, etc. However, these things have to be equal in both partners or you end up with resentment.  I've lived it.  My marriage was a viscous circle of anger, resentment, and heartache.  I was angry because I didn't feel important to my husband.  I was angry because when we had children, my life changed, not his.  So many other reasons for my anger that I won't go into.  My purpose is not to place blame or bad mouth my husband.  The more angry I was, the further it drove him away.  My thought process was that if I showed him my anger, my disappointment, he would realize that things needed to change and he would love me again.  I thought he would say "hey, she is angry at me, I better stay home and fix this".  It had the exact opposite effect.  I asked him on several occasions for counseling, but he wasn't in a place to 'hear' me.  You can only hurt each other for so long before too much damage is done.  If you are in a place in your marriage where you think things could be better, then make them better.  Make changes before it is too late.  Go to counseling.  Learn how to talk to each other and more importantly, how to listen.  Don't take each other for granted.  Be a teammate, a partner, a support system.  Say you are sorry.

Here are a few things that I believe about marriage:
1.  Don't get married too young.  We do not have a respect for the work it takes until we are older and mature enough to understand commitment.  If you are a young couple in love, all you want is to get married and live happily ever after.  Wait.  If you really love each other, you will still be together in a few years.
2.  Be respectful.  Disrespect in any form can damage a marriage.  Even the little things like not calling when you won't be where you are expected at a certain time.  It is not about control or anything other than respect.  Men, I will tell you that women worry.  If you are late or had a change of plans, we think you've had a car accident and are lying in a ditch somewhere!  Pick up the phone.
3.  Do not text important decisions or conversations.  It takes away from the value.  Regular stuff is fine, but the important stuff, say it out loud.
4.  Listen.  No matter what your partner is saying.  If your partner is telling you about their day at work, don't interrupt to tell about your day instead.  Wait your turn.  Not listening, intentionally or not, sends a message that your partner is not important to you and you don't care what they have to say.
5.  Hear your partner.  More than listening, you have to really hear what they are saying.  Take it to heart.  It may the last time you hear it.
6.  Put each other first.
7.  Never lie.  Okay, you can lie about Christmas presents and things of that nature.  Anything else, keep it honest.
8.  Be each others best friend. 
9.  Don't go into a relationship with the thought "it will get better"  or "I can change him/her"  or "I can love them enough to fix them" or "maybe it can work".  There should be no doubts or maybes.  Women, we tend to think that we can heal the damaged soul or tame the lion or nurture him enough to make him happy and love us.  I say this, we cannot.  Those things only happen if he wants them to.  He has to initiate his own healing and life changes.  Otherwise we become the enemy and he resents us.  Stop trying to fix the lost soul and instead nurture and love yours.
10.  Build a fortress.  Seriously.  If you want a strong marriage, don't let the outside in.  Outside influences, if they are the wrong ones, can be very damaging.
11.  Have friends and separate interest, but do it with respect and trust.
12.  Understand that we all have baggage.  In a perfect world, we would leave it behind and not carry it to our next relationship.  Please, try not to bring it with you.  If your ex was a habitual liar, don't assume your current love is too and second guess everything they say.  If your ex was a cheater, don't assume the worst of your current love.  This, of course, is null and void if you keep attracting the same type of person that is no good for you.  That is another subject all together, tho.

Marriage is hard work.  When you make that commitment, be sure that you are willing to roll up your sleeves and do what it takes to make it a success.  My marriage did not work that way.  There is so much damage now that it cannot be fixed.  I have mulled over all of it.  I have visited all of the "what ifs".  I know my children will be okay.  He is a good Dad and will still be there for them.  I have to think of them and what we were teaching them about marriage.  I certainly don't want my kids to have the type of marriage I did.  However, I am past the point of beating myself up over it.  I know that things happen for a reason, even when we can't see it right away.  When one door closes, another opens right?  I am honestly looking forward to my future.  Did I want to be single at 36 with three kids?  Nope.  But we did not respect each other or our marriage enough and this is where we ended up.  So, take my advice, if you will or don't.  It is your decision.  

~ Namaste ~

Strength and Fortitude

I have been told a lot lately how strong I am.  A friend actually told me that he draws from my strength and fortitude.  What a compliment!  I always say that my Mom taught me to be strong.  She led by example.  However, I think some of it comes from within you.  You have it in you too.

We all have our stories.  We have all been through some type of trauma, turmoil, and pain.  How you choose to let these experiences affect you makes the difference.  It's all in how you think.

You have to see the process and allow yourself to move through it.  No matter what the trauma, you have to give yourself a chance to feel the emotion.  If you are grieving, then feel the grief, embrace it and then move through it.  There are 5 stages of grief.  You may experience all of them, some, or one.  We can grieve many things such as death, divorce, loss of a job, etc.  The stages are denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I think the key is to acknowledge where you are in the process and allow yourself to move through it.  It is hanging on to one of these emotions that causes you to become stagnant in your evolution of self.  It's okay to be upset.  It's okay to get angry.  It is not okay to let yourself become the anger or damaging emotion that you feel.  Let go.  There are things in this world that are inevitable and things you cannot change.  Why would you put yourself through the torture of thinking you can? 

Here is where fortitude comes in.  Fortitude is the mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously.  Know that no matter what the situation is, you have to face it.  That which you ignore, persists.  Deal with it, then get over it.  Sound harsh?  Well?  What do you expect?  Life has beautiful, sweet moments.  Our adversities are not those sweet moments, but they are opportunities to create your stronger self.  Only after you have moved through them can you look back on them and witness the blessing they were.  They were blessings because they molded you and shaped you into what you are today.  Just remember that you choose in which way they do so.  

When my Mother passed two weeks ago, I had already been through some of the grieving processes.  She had been sick for a year, so some things like normal conversation and connecting with her were already gone.  What I didn't do was lay down and give up.  There is no reason to.  She wouldn't want me to.  After we buried her, there was a week were I was too tired to get out of bed in the morning to go to the gym.  I wondered when I would have the motivation again.  Then I told myself "April, pick your head up off the pillow and move on with your life".  And so I did.  

Whatever you are going through, just know that it is temporary.  Pick your head up off your pillow.  If you don't do it, who will?  No one.  That's who.  It's up to you to move forward and create your own existence.  Life is waiting for you.  You have strength too, you just have to find it.  It is in there, deep down.  Once you call upon it, you will awaken it and it will come forward more often.  My strength and fortitude are so much a part of me now that I don't have to call upon them, they just are. 


I was molested as a child by my biological father.  I could write a book on this experience and the incorrect beliefs I had about myself, other people, sex, relationships, etc.  One thing my Mother did teach me was that I don't have to play victim.  And so I don't.  I have had issues come up throughout my life, that after addressing them, I find the root is usually the abuse.  Sometimes, this pisses me off.  Really?  That again?  I thought I had dealt with that?  I have dealt with it, but sometimes it shows up in other forms that I don't see at the time.  What do I do?  I face it.  I take the bull by the horns, if you will.  Why?  Because I refuse to let that experience define who I am.  Fortitude.  I could feel sorry for myself, lay in my pity and cry "Oh why me?".  But I don't.  I may cry sometimes; it is my cleansing process.  However, if I keep my mind in the 'victim' mentality, then he abuses me again everyday.  So, I make the choice to be different.  I use the experience for the good, where I can.  

I'm sure you have gone through the ringer a few times yourself.  Maybe you feel like you have had more than your fair share.  Don't give up.  Don't let it get you down, for too long.  If you keep playing the same role, you will keep getting the same results.  Let's say you have been in and out of bad relationships.  What role are you playing?  Find your strength and stand on your own two feet.  Be you and find happiness in yourself and then the right person will come along.  Looking for someone to hold you up is giving your power away.  Dig down and find your own,  You have it.  We all do.

“A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude, and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful.”  ~ Jacqueline Bisset     

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." ~ Mahatma Gandhi  

"Few men during their lifetime come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used." ~ Richard E. Byrd  

"There is no limit to what you can imagine. And with commitment, with effort, what you can imagine you can become. Put your mind to work for you. Believe that you can do it. The world will tell you that you can't. Yet, in your belief you'll find the strength, you'll find the ability, to do it anyway." Ralph Marston  

Kia Kaha

A Season, a Reason, a Lifetime

I'm sure you've all heard this before.  If you think about it, though, they are all for a lifetime.  Whether they are a physical part of your life for a long or short period of time, the things they teach you and the memories they leave you last a lifetime.

I have been blessed with some friends that have been there for me since we were kids and I have no doubt they will be a part of my life until we are old and gray.  They are my lifetime friends.  I honor and cherish them.  We don't even speak every day, but I know they are always there.  They are the friends that get you when know one else does, that love you no matter what choices you are making, and that will tell you like it is when you need to hear it.

There are people in my life right now that came to me when I needed them most.  A little odd in the way it all took place, but it is not my place to question it, just to be thankful for the happening.  Things have a way of happening to us and for us, when we need them.  These people may be seasons or reasons, but I know that the way they have touched me will stay with me for a lifetime.  The kindness I've seen, the love I've felt, the understanding and compassion will stay with me forever.

Love the people in your life for what they bring you.  They all teach you a lesson or show you something about yourself that you didn't know.  What is difficult is that we are also talking about the people who hurt you.  They are there to teach you as well.  It may not be possible to love that person and the thing they did, but you can love them for the experience which made you stronger and wiser.  I mean let's face it, not everyone in our life is good.  Think about it, though.  Without that experience, who would you be?

Another difficult thing is to think that someone has come into your life for good, for the long haul.  Only then to realize that isn't true at all.  How do you let go of that?  How do you see the truth and know in your heart of hearts that you have taken and given everything you can and it is just not meant to be?  I tell you this...you just know.  There comes a day when you have a clear thought and you know in your heart.  We often try to push that thought away or make excuses for it, but if you have had the knowing, then you have had it.  These people too, have touched you for a lifetime.  You will always carry the memory, experience, lesson, or reason with you.

My Mother recently passed away and I keep thinking of all the lessons she taught me.  She left me with so many memories.  I keep thinking, too, about the people that she brought into my life before she left.  She made contact with some family members that we hadn't seen in years.  I think she must've known what she was doing.  She re-established that relationship for us.  Not only that, but just in taking care of her, I have come closer to my sisters.  Those lifetime relationships have been strengthened, pruned and re-rooted.  Thank you, Momma, for bringing us together.

A season, a reason, a lifetime....  whatever it is, cherish it and know that when those relationships end or begin, it is all meant to be.

~Namaste~

In the Background

It is not an easy thing to watch someone die.  I sit here and look at my Mother and what she has become.  There are still shades of her here and there but so much of her has changed.  Her body is like someone else's.  Her legs have gotten so small, she barely has the strength to walk.  Her beautiful face is swollen from extended steroid use.  Her hands shake and look frail.  I watch her to find pieces of the Mom I know and love.  I find them occasionally, but they are becoming more sparse.  Her memory is failing and her thoughts are jumbled and she hallucinates.  My step-Dad has devoted his entire self to caring for her.  Thank God for him.  I can honestly say I don't know many men who would do what he is doing. 

Her days consist of pain medication, little food and up and down out of the bed.  She will lay in her bed for a while and then go sit outside until she's ready to lie down again.  Taking care of her may be tiring, but it is an honor as well.  I am privileged to lift her from her chair, to bathe her, to massage her legs, to lay her in her bed.  She was my rock for so many years.  I will always cherish these moments that I am here to care for her.

My heart does not know what to do right now.  There are so many things going on in my life right now.  I have moments when all I can do is cry.  There are moments where I feel numb and just want to be alone.  On top of my Mother's illness, my marriage is hanging on by a thread.  It is tough when I don't know what tomorrow will feel like.  My three beautiful children are the only thing that keeps me grounded.  There are other things that trouble me that I may discuss later.  Let us just say that my heart feels as though it has put itself on hold.  I feel I am living in the background and not fully engaging.  I am sure that is how I am coping at the moment.  One day I will live again.  I will calm the thoughts in my head and find the answers that my soul seeks.  It is around the corner and I can feel it.  I don't know what the answer is, but I know it will come and my heart will find peace.  Right now my heart is floating over the ocean somewhere.

~Kia Kaha~

If you love someone, let them go

If you love someone, let them go.  This is a hard statement to swallow sometimes.  Why on earth would you want to let someone go if you love them?  All we want is to hold them close, keep them near.  Often, those we love make us feel so good that we cannot imagine letting them go.  Maybe, it's all in how you look at it.  I think that letting someone go, although it may not be easy, is the most selfless thing you can do.  If you put restraints on a person, they will eventually resent you.  Letting someone go is to let them BE.  Let them reach for their dreams and support them, no matter what.

Perhaps their dreams are to travel and see the world.  Let them go, let them be.  Send your love with them and they will feel it and know that you are always there.  They will know they can trust you and count on you.  Your heart may ache when they are not with you, but knowing that they are living the life they choose, the life that brings them happiness, is worth it.

Even if the person you need to let go is ill, you must let them go.  There are always stories of people in hospitals and hospice that hang on to life while their family members are there, but once the family leaves or the person is told it's okay to go, they pass.  Why would you want a loved one in pain or with no quality of life to live for you?  Because you don't want to loose them?  Your pain will heal, let them go.

What if it is your child?  What if they want to leave for college or the service?  What if they don't want to anything spectacular with their life?  What if they have different views than you?  You should not force your idea of who they should be upon them.  Let them be who they are.  Of course you can guide them and teach them good character, but don't try and change the core of who they are to fit what you envisioned them to be. 


Don't ever limit a person.  Be it your partner, your child, your friend.  Love them, let them be who they are and spread their wings and fly!!

~Kia Kaha~

Cancer Sucks

My Mom has cancer.  I never in a million years thought that I would say that.  It is a very hard reality to face.  In June 2011, she was diagnosed with lung cancer.  We were somewhat relived when they staged her at 2A.  July 6, 2011 she had surgery and they removed a grapefruit size tumor and half her lung.  There was a biopsy of other areas and lymph nodes removed.  We thought all was well and she was on the road to recovery.  My Mom was only 62 when she was diagnosed. 

On September 16, 2011 she called me because she was having some problems with the left side of her body and feared that she was having a stroke.  We talked about all the symptoms and she said that she would let me know what she decided to do.  I took my daughter to the local fair for some girl time, but I knew all along that I would receive a call that wouldn't be good.  Sure enough, I got the call that she was in ER.  My daughter and I left immediately to be with her and my Dad at the hospital.  It is about an hour drive and when I was about 20 minutes away, she called me.  She asked me to pull over and told me that they did a scan and saw a tumor, in her brain.  I yelled, I cried and I beat my phone against the steering wheel.  My mind simply could not comprehend what she just told me.  I made it to the hospital and they decided to transfer her to the hospital she was in when she had surgery.  It was very emotional there and I won't go into the private moments.

My daughter and I drove another hour to the other hospital and stayed with her and my Dad until 2:00 am.  The following day we went back, along with other family members to receive the news.  Seven tumors.  Seven freaking tumors!  Surgery was not an option.  She was brave and loving and scared all at the same time.  My sons birthday party was the next day and she insisted she be released so that she could attend. The doctors wanted to do Whole Brain Radiation Therapy.  She had the procedure in September.  In January 2012, she had SRS on 4 tumors.  On her follow up scan, some had shrank and were inactive and then there were new ones.  In April 2012, she had SRS on five.  That is a ton of radiation to the brain.  Not to mention the exposure from all the scans.

Since the Whole Brain Radiation Therapy, she hasn't been the same.  She requires twenty-four hour care.  My Dad has devoted his entire life to taking care of her.  The treatment put her down for weeks.  It exhausted her.  She went from being my active, motivated, loving Mother to a shell of herself.  It is so hard to see her this way.  The hair loss, the body changes, the memory, the anger, the pain, the sorrow.  She has had some really bad days and some really good days. 

I want to be with her as much as I can, but when I go visit she doesn't talk much.  I went yesterday and the whole time I was there I saw her for about 10 minutes because she didn't want to get out of bed.  I just want to be able to talk to her again.  Some days, it feels like I've already lost her.  She recently had the cement injection (Kyphoplasty) because she has fallen a couple times and fractured a vertebrae.  Before the surgery, she was put on muscle relaxers that caused massive hallucinations.  That was really hard to deal with.  Not only did she see crazy things, but we were all against her.

You think that your parents will live until they are really old. You don't expect it when you are still young and you have young children.  My two youngest may not have any memories of her at all.  That's a tough one to swallow.  My sisters and I talk and we keep waiting for the Motherly speeches.  We say if it were us, we would write our children letters, or video, or anything to tell them how much we love them.  We don't get that from her.  I don't blame her for it, it's just not who she is.  

As a family, we haven't spread the word about my Mom's cancer to everyone.  We don't post it on Facebook or anything.  Partly, because we didn't want any negative thoughts about it.  Especially when it was just lung cancer and we thought it could be beat.  But in order to let go of the pain, you have to get it out.  This is my means.  I don't know how much time we have.  I do know that when she goes, it will break my heart, but at the same time, I will be a little bit relieved that she is no longer in pain.  My heart aches everyday and I cry a lot.  I handled it well at first, but lately it has taken it's toll on me.  There is so much to the story, but like I said, I'll keep the private stuff to myself.  At least for now.

All I can say is, if there is someone you love...tell them.  You never know what can happen.

~Namaste~     

Turmoil

Turmoil ~ a state of great commotion, confusion, or disturbance; tumult; agitation; disquiet

I began this blog earlier today with the title 'If you love someone, let them go'.  I will have to write that one another day.  The word that keeps coming to me today (for a while actually) is Turmoil.  This is the state I am in and I feel frayed.  There are so many things going on in my life right now.  I am experiencing so much at one time.  For a long time I felt stagnant... as though I were waiting.  I decided to take action and put things in motion.  Boy, did I ever!  There is major change occurring in my life right now and all I can do is hope that I make the right choices.  It is sometimes difficult to distinguish between fear, emotion, intuition and instinct.  I am at a crossroads and I have to choose the best path.  I have to write my next chapter.  The thing about it is that this is not just my life.  My choices will affect those I love the most.  However, I have been told that "if you're okay, they're okay".  


I have moments of complete contentment, but they don't last long.  They are beautiful moments when all feels right with the world and I feel at peace.  I cherish those moments.  They bring me an idea of what the future has in store for me.  I will get to a place where I feel that way all the time.   


Sometimes transition is difficult.  I must follow my True North and trust that I will be guided through this with love.  Some days, my heart aches so much that all I can do is cry.  Some days, I feel as though I have so much love to give.  Other days, I feel as though I might explode.  I feel like I am ready to shine.  I have to cast away the things that have clouded my vision and see the truth.  The events or circumstances that have had a negative impact on my life do not define me.  They may have helped to mold and shape me, but they are not who I am.  I can choose which things to take with me and which ones to leave behind.  

The journey is not always easy, but I know in my heart that all will work out as it should.  My tears cleanse my soul and ready me for another day.  When all these things are being thrown at me, I must choose what to catch, what to let go, what to dodge, and what to throw back.  

I will work through the turmoil.  I will find peace in my soul.  It's just the getting through it that's the hard part.  
For those of you that are in my life right now, thank you.  Some of you I lean on, some of you put a smile in my heart, some of you are great teachers, all of you I will keep forever.   Thank you for reading this post today.  In that way, you have listened to me.  I have been heard.


~ Namaste ~

Caring & Expectations

I've been a little irritated lately, because I have felt as though people do not care as much as I do.  That leaves me feeling as though I put myself out there and my feelings are not reciprocated.  It is a tough thing to not have expectations of people or situations.  I have the thoughts "what is it about me that causes that person to care less for me?"  or "why am I not good enough?".  It came to me today that I have put expectations on how someone shows that they care and this, I cannot do.  We are all different and we all show affection differently.  So, perhaps a person cares just as much as I do, they just don't show it or they show it in a different way. Maybe, that person cares as much as they are able and their ability is limited.  This makes me wonder... Do we show we care how we know best, or do we learn how someone else needs to see it and show them on their terms?  This would take much effort, but wouldn't the other person feel even better for it?  But one could argue that instead, the person on the receiving end, should receive it how it is given and take from it what they can.  However it is, I urge you to show the people in your life that you care for them.  If you do not show it to them, they cannot see it.  You can say "I love you" everyday and it mean nothing.  Actions speak volumes.  

Our time together is limited.  If you were not here tomorrow, would your loved ones know that you love them?  That you truly care?

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”   ~ Leo F. Buscaglia

 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  ~Maya Angelou

 

 

~ Namaste ~ 

True North

I've been contemplating on what to post about.  Should I begin with my history?  Should I write about the latest events in my life?  I have so much to tell.  I've written this blog in my head so many times, I didn't know which one to choose.  I was thinking about it this morning while I was getting ready for work.  After I finished my hair and makeup, I took one last look in the mirror.  I caught a smile on my face.  It kind of took me by surprise.  What on earth was I smiling about?  Then as soon as I had the thought, I realized it was because I like the person I saw in the mirror.

That hasn't always been the case.  I've been through a lot in my life, as most of us have.  Some of those events damaged  how I perceived myself.  I had the belief that I had no worth, I was unlovable and not valuable. I've learned in the last year, through therapy and self reflection, that I am valuable. 

Ever heard the saying "find your true North"?  It represents who you are as person.  It is respecting yourself and living your life in a manner that is true to you.  In a world of chaos, it helps you stay on track with your values, motivations, and your own leadership.  I've discovered that once I began to really love myself, my true North showed itself to me.  I am also amazed at all the places I find motivation and inspiration.  My eyes are open and my heart is healing.

Use your inner compass and find your true North.  Respect and love yourself.  It is the single greatest thing you can do.

I use to feel guilty for doing things for myself.  I felt that if I did not devote all of myself to my family, that I was neglecting them somehow.  Let me tell you, that is far from the truth.  Once I began to do little things for myself, to take care of me, I became a better person.  I am more patient with my children and they are better for it.  I am able to project the love I have inside and let people feel how special they are to me.  There are days when I still struggle with self-love, but I am on the journey.  That smile on my face was a long time coming... I have a smile in my heart too.

For those of you close to me, that have inspired me, motivated me, appreciated me... thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Namaste

Welcome

Welcome to my blog.  I still have a lot of updating to do, so be patient.  I've toyed with the idea of starting a blog for quite some time now.  I've recently been inspired and decided to just go for it.  Time to put myself out there.  I don't have a specific theme or idea.  I will tell stories from past, present and future.  I will take you with me on my journey.  Hopefully, I can make you laugh and perhaps bring some healing into your life.  I am a Mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend.  There are many sides to me and you will likely get to most of them.  This is a learning experience for me, so I'm sure my blog will get better as I go.  So here's to today, tomorrow and the journey.