Forgiveness is Freedom

Yesterday was my Father's 71st birthday.  I haven't seen or spoken to him in 19 years.  If you've read any of my blog, you know that I was molested by my father as a child.  It has taken a lot to heal from the trauma.  I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't live my life as a victim.  That decision put me on my healing path.  I've had to learn self worth and self love.  I had to learn that his actions were not about me, but his illness.  I had to learn that it wasn't because I somehow deserved the pain or that it happened because I wasn't valued.  It's been a long road, but I am whole, I am happy and I am loved. 

When I had my first child, Arianna, I was living in Arizona.  She was just a few weeks old and I made the trip to East Texas to visit my family.  My oldest sister was holding this beautiful, tiny little of girl of mine and had a flashback memory.  Her memory was walking in and seeing my Father touching me in my crib.  I was about the same age, she thought.  I stood there staring at them both.  I watched the tears flow down my sister's cheeks.  I knew right then that he would never be given the opportunity to hurt my daughter.  She would never experience what I did and I would do whatever it took to protect her.  I walked into the other room and picked up the phone and called him.  He sounded happy to hear from me.  I told him in a very calm voice that I would never see him again.  I told him that I would not allow him in the presence of my daughter, that I needed to protect her at all cost and to please not contact me. 

Over the years, I have healed my heart.  Part of that process was to forgive him.  I honestly came to a place where I did forgive him completely.  This was the most freeing part of my journey.  Forgiveness really does set you free.  Letting go of all the negative emotions and finding peace is imperative if you want to move on.  I had the thought about a year ago that I should tell him that I had forgiven him.  I felt that if I gave him that knowledge, it would help him and myself.  So, yesterday I did just that.  I sent him a message.  It felt amazing.  I thought that finding forgiveness was enough, but once I let it be known, it gave me more peace than I imagined.

Let go of your hurt.  Let go of your trauma.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive those who have caused you pain.  Holding on to it only hurts you.  Below is the message I sent him.  I hope this helps you.  I hope you find your forgiveness.

Dad,

I hope this letter finds you well on your birthday.  It has been 19 years since we’ve spoken.  I wanted to take the opportunity to reach out to you and hopefully give you some peace.  I am not opening a line of communication between us.  It is not my desire to restore our relationship.  What I do want to do is let you know that I have forgiven you.  Actually, I forgave you a long time ago.  I feel that my next step in healing is to give you the knowledge of that.  My hope is that you may live the rest of your life with some peace.  I’m sure you have carried guilt, anger, and many other emotions through the years.  I don’t want you to hurt any longer.  I have no anger in my heart.  I have no hate.  I have no animosity.  I worked hard to heal and I want you to know that I am okay. 

That decision I made so many years ago was to protect my children.  I hope you can understand that.  My children have taught me what love really is.  My love runs so deep for them and I couldn’t put them in harm’s way. 

I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Even if we don’t understand it at the time.  I wouldn’t be the strong, independent woman that I am today if it weren’t for the things I’ve been through in my life.  I wouldn’t be the parent that I am.  I wouldn’t change the events in my life.  I love myself.  It took a long time to learn how to do that, but I did learn.  It is a great feeling.  I hope that you love yourself too.  I hope that you forgive yourself.  Forgiveness is powerful. 

With all that being said, I will end by saying Happy Birthday.  I send you my love and hope your day is blessed.  Take care of yourself and know that your daughter is happy. 


"Forgiveness is not always easy.  At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it.  And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness."  ~ Marianne Williamson 

"To err is human; to forgive, divine." ~ Alexander Pope

"You can't forgive without loving.  And I don't mean sentimentally.  I don't mean mush.  I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive.  I'm finished with it'." ~ Maya Angelou

Kia Kaha

A Step on the Path

I recently read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  Such a good read.  I highly recommend it.  This book validated some of my own personal thoughts and gave me new ones, as well.  We tell untruths to ourselves every single day.  This is the cause of so much of our suffering.  I, personally, want to continue to learn how to un-think those negative thoughts and choose new agreements for myself.  This is true Freedom.  There are two prayers at the end of the book that are so beautiful, I had to share.  You need to read these today.




Prayer for Freedom:  

Today, Creator of the Universe, we ask that you come to us and share with us a strong communion of love.  We know that your real name is Love, that to have a communion with you means to share the same vibration, the same frequency that you are, because you are the only thing that exists in the universe.

Today, help us to be like you are, to love life, to be life, to be love.  Help us to love the way you love, with no conditions, no expectations, no obligations, without any judgment.  Help us to love and accept ourselves without any judgment.  Help us to love and accept ourselves without any judgment, because when we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty and we need to be punished.

Help us to love everything you create unconditionally, especially other human beings, especially those who live around us - all our relatives and people whom we try so hard to love.  Because when we reject them, we reject ourselves, and when we reject ourselves, we reject You.

Help us to love others just the way they are with no conditions.  Help us to accept them the way they are, without judgment, because if we judge them, we find them guilty, we blame them, and we have need to punish them. 

Today, clean our hearts of any emotional poison that we have, free our minds from any judgment so that we can live in complete peace and complete love.

Today is a very special day.  Today we open our hearts to love again so that we can tell each other "I love you," without any fear, and really mean it.  Today, we offer ourselves to you.  Come to us, use our voices, use our eyes, use our hands, and use our hearts to share ourselves in a communion of love with everyone.  Today, Creator, help us to be just like you are.  Thank you for everything that we receive this day, especially for the freedom to be who we really are.  Amen.

Prayer for Love:

Thank you, Creator of the Universe, for the gift of life you have given me.  Thank you giving me everything that I have ever truly needed.  Thank you for the opportunity to experience this beautiful body and this wonderful mind.  Thank you for living inside me with all your love, with your pure and boudless spirit, with your warm and radiant light.

Thank you for using my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share your love wherever I go.  I love you just the way you are, and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am.  Help me to keep the love and the peace in my heart and to make that love a new way of life, that I may live in love the rest of my life.  Amen.

Namaste

Choosing Gratefulness

I woke up Monday morning still feeling tired.  When I went to bed Sunday night, my body hurt.  My feet were throbbing, my legs ached, my back hurt.  All this kept me from falling asleep right away.  I lay there thinking about how tired I am.  Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.  Tired of working two jobs and still not getting the ends to meet.  Tired of not being able to do "extra" for my kids.  They don't get to go to Santa Land or ride the Polar Express.  They wear T-Shirts to bed, because they have outgrown their pajamas.  I lay there thinking about these things as I drift off to sleep. 

Come Monday morning, I woke up still tired but not so exhausted.  Monday is my favorite day.  I know, I'm weird.  I like to start Monday's with positive thoughts.  I start the day with the gym (usually), and then head to work.  It is my busiest day of the week, but that leaves me feeling productive.  When I accomplish everything I need to with good, positive thoughts it sets the tone for a good week.  Thus, I like Mondays.  I didn't want to spoil my Monday mantra and create a bad week for myself, so I decided to think of things in a different way.  This didn't just change my Monday, it has changed my entire week.  Hopefully, my month.

Yes, I work two jobs.  I'm also a Girl Scout troop leader.  I raise three children.  The list goes on.  BUT I am able to.  Thank God, I am able and capable to work two jobs.  There are so many people who are unemployed right now.  I might struggle, but how can I complain when there are so many who struggle more?  The kids and I have outgrown our home and it really needs repair.  However, when I tuck my babies in at night, they are safe and warm.  What else matters?  One of the bathtubs has a leak, so all four of us have to share a bathroom.  Why does that matter when I am able to bathe my kids in clean, warm water?  It doesn't.  I may not get to take my kids to all these events around town, but what I can do is sit in the floor with my littles and play a board game or a game of Uno.  Yes, I get to do all the yard work myself, all the house cleaning, all the repairs, etc.  At least I have a yard to rake, a house to clean, and a car to drive.  At least I am healthy enough to accomplish all this.

I could focus on the negative.  I could be bitter about not having more.  But WHY?  I am so blessed.  I have a home, I have an income, I have three healthy and happy children.  I also have the ability to change my mind.  I have the ability to view things differently.  That, my friends, is what matters.  My kids and I tell each other we love each other multiple times a day.  My teenager sits and really talks to me.  She tells me all the drama with her friends.  We talk about everything.  We laugh together and we cry together.  My two littles are growing so fast.  I want to make memories with them.  We make great memories playing together.  I get them in the kitchen to help with dinner.  We color.  We read.  I love every minute of it.  We may not have much and certainly not any extra, but we have enough.  We have time.  Taking my kids to serve food to the homeless on Thanksgiving was such a blessing.  Every time we drive by the building, they talk about it.  That is something. 

I'm choosing gratefulness.  I am so grateful for all that I have.  I'm thankful that I can do all that I do.  I'm thankful for life and for love. 

What do you choose?  Do you choose to be grateful?

A grateful heart is a beginning of greatness.  It is an expression of humility.  It is a foundation for the development of such virtues as prayer, faith, courage, contentment, happiness, love, and well-being. ~ James A. Faust

I'm grateful for always this moment, the now, no matter what form it takes. ~ Eckhart Tolle

I'm grateful to God for His bountiful gifts... He gave me courage and faith in myself. ~ Loretta Young

Be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need. ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

 

If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change your attitude. ~ Maya Angelou

Namaste

Lyla: The New Journey

When I found out I was pregnant with my third child, I cried.  A lot.  I had a ten year old from a previous marriage and my son was six months old.  My husband and I had agreed on having one child together, and we had my son.  It took some time before I felt I was ready and once he was here, I was happy with my two children.  I loved them both with everything in me.  My heart knew that I wasn't in a "forever" marriage and here I was, about to add a third child into the mix.  As I sat on the bed at 6:30 in the morning, crying to my husband, telling him we were having a baby, I suddenly had a peaceful feeling wash over me.  This was the most loving, gentle spirit that I had ever felt and I knew right then it was her.  It was my Lyla baby letting me know it would all be okay.  She has been a surprise ever since.  Lyla was my biggest baby, weighing in at 9 lbs, 12 oz. Surprise!  This little bundle of joy was belly laughing at only three weeks old.  Surprise! 

Fast forward five years.  She is a vivacious, spirited, excited, animated, lovely little girl.  She is a handful, to say the least.  With her and Gavin being only 15 months apart, it is sometimes like having twins.  Their Dad and I divorced, but we co-parent very well.  They are happy, well-adjusted children. 

Lyla began kindergarten this year.  She has always been a bit hyper, but my oh my...
We have experienced a severe escalation in her hyperactive behavior and acting out.  She is on red several times in  a week.  She is being threatened with ISS (in school suspension), and is close to being kicked off the bus.  She talks a lot, can't sit still, can't keep her hands to herself, doesn't listen, does things intentionally when she knows that she isn't suppose to.  She has cut her hair at school, hit other children, thrown an apple across the cafeteria, stabbed a child in the mouth with a pencil, and colored all over a station in the class room.  Thing is, she is not a "bad" kid.  It isn't because she is spoiled, or not disciplined, or any of that.  Although, she has does these things, she isn't mean or hateful.  She is very loving.  It has thrown me for a loop.  I'm trying to grasp what is going on here.

About the time this all escalated, we went grocery shopping.  It has always been difficult to take them with me.  They fight or run around crazy.  It takes twice as long when they are with me to get through a grocery list.  Usually, I make her sit in the buggy to avoid having to chase her around the store.  Sometimes, I let her be my helper and put items in the cart.  This directs her focus for a little while, then she is back to losing focus of her task.  This particular day, I held her hand while we shopped.  I let her get items for me and we even danced down the isles.  We spun circles, she skipped and sang and never once stopped talking or moving.  I tried very hard to make it a fun experience for her.  She would jerk lose of my grip to run and touch everything that caught her eye.  As I really watched her, I kept having this thought in my mind that something is different about her.  I could see her thoughts skip around erratically.  She would have literally bounced off the walls, if she were able.  Then, my 17 year old daughter spoke the very thought.  "Mom, do you think she might be ADHD?".  Surprise!!

I began to do a lot of reading about ADHD.  She fits every symptom, and then some.  I know if I took her to a Doctor for evaluation, she would be diagnosed.  I refuse to medicate her.  I am the person that goes for natural treatment before I try anything else.  I will not turn my child into a zombie.  After conversations with  her Dad and step-Mom, we are all in agreement that we will do everything we can to help this beautiful little girl without medication. 

Through this I realized something.  We cannot raise each of our children the same way.  They are all different little souls.  Lyla has come here to teach me, not the other way around.  I have to learn to parent to meet her needs.  My parenting style has worked for my first two.  I have been able to teach them how I know to teach.  This little girl, she is definitely teaching me!  It is my responsibility to learn how to raise her in the most healthful, loving way I can.  She is molding me.  When I look at her beautiful little face, I find that I am not as frustrated with her behavior.  Instead, I am softened and eager to learn as much as I can so that she can flourish.  I want to be able to help her direct the excessive amount of energy and enthusiasm she has in a positive, successful way.

And so, we begin the journey.  The three of us are beginning with diet.  We have a lot of information at our fingertips and are committed to trying everything (other than medication) until we find what works. 

I intend to update my blog as much as possible.  There have already been a few meetings that I will write about soon and let you know how this is developing. 

Kia Kaha

F.L.Y.

For some of us, learning to love ourselves is a long and treacherous road.  There are many reasons why we don't have self-love.  These reasons come from an event that taught us a disbelief about ourselves.  Unfortunately, most of us learn this belief as children and grow up believing we are not lovable, deserving, or worthy.

To be selfish or self-centered has taken on a negative definition.  However, to be centered in one's self is to have self awareness and, I believe, self love.  I'm sure you have heard it or read it before, but you cannot truly love someone until you love yourself first.  Why?  Because real love starts with you.  If you are constantly looking for someone to fill a void, make you feel good about yourself, uplift you, then your relationships won't work.  If you are with someone that is filling a need you have (or vice versa), what happens when you no longer have that need?  To be successful in life, love, parenting, you must love yourself.

My experience as a child taught me a disbelief.  How could I be worthy of love?  There must be something wrong with me for my Father to abuse me.  Whatever your trauma is, you must realize that it wasn't your fault nor something that you deserved.  I was too young to comprehend this.  It took years and some therapy for me isolate my disbelief and begin to nurture myself.  I fought like hell to get where I am and I am so grateful that I did.  Falling in love with myself has catapulted my life.

After two broken marriages, weight gain, and depression I decided to change my way of thinking.  I have always been strong willed and strong minded.  I never played victim and even as a child I decided that what happened to me was not going to define who I am.  However, I still struggled in the love department.  I realized that I was looking for love outside of myself.  I wanted someone to fill the void.  I was placing my happiness in someone else's hands. 

I started with taking better care of myself.  I began exercising again and eating healthier.  During this journey of self improvement, I began to see a therapist.  She helped me discover my disbelief about myself and gave me the tools to heal.  The more work I did, the easier it became to see myself differently.  I discovered a lot about myself that I really love.  I also discovered areas that needed improvement.

As I trudged forward, it became joyful.  Every single day is an opportunity to create yourself.  You can choose who you want to be.  Your upbringing, your experiences, your environment, they all play a part in who you are.  However, we have the choice to use those things to benefit us.  Perhaps you had a difficult childhood.  It is your choice:  do better or do the same.  There are no excuses, only choices.  Choices can be remade.  If you make a poor choice the first time, forgive yourself and choose again.

One thing my therapist taught me was to do things for myself.  I always believed that if I wasn't giving a 110% to my children, then I was a bad parent.  The exact opposite is true.  When we take the time to nurture ourselves and take care of our needs first, we are better for it.  I started small.  I never bought myself anything before.  I told myself it was because I needed to spend that money on my children.  The truth was, I didn't think I deserved it.  So, I began to treat myself occasionally.  I would stop and get the Starbucks coffee that I wanted but never treated myself to.  New gym shoes?  Yes!  I deserve them.  I joined a gym and began to take time to focus on myself and how I feel about myself.  Once I dedicated some time to listening to my inner self and supporting her, I became a better parent. Before, I was stressed, tired, frustrated, angry and irritated.  Without meaning or wanting to, I would take this out on my children.  As much as I love them, I would find myself with a short temper and zero patience.  The more I began to love myself, the more peace I obtained, the more I was able to give to my children.  They deserve the best Mom that I can be.  I assure you, I give more of  me to my kids now than ever before.  My kids are happy and healthy and I attribute some of that to the fact that they have a Mom who loves herself.

My hope is that they will see this example in me and have a love for themselves, as well.  I hope that they grow up always having this love for themselves and being centered in themselves and not have to struggle to find it in mid-adulthood. 

I know that I am worthy.  I know that I am lovable.  I know that I deserve good things.  I know that I have a lot of love to give.  I am secure in myself and my abilities.  I love myself for who I am and all that I am becoming.  Do you feel this way about yourself?  If not, I urge you to take the steps needed to become centered in yourself.  Learn to love yourself.  No one will ever love you as much as you do or support you as much as you support yourself.  How you treat yourself is how others will treat you.


“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”
― C. JoyBell C. 

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
― Steve Maraboli 

“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.”
― Eartha Kitt 

“One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others. There was a time when I felt lousy about my over-forty body, saw myself as too fat, too this, or too that. Yet I fantasized about finding a lover who would give me the gift of being loved as I am. It is silly, isn't it, that I would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself. This was a moment when the maxim "You can never love anybody if you are unable to love yourself" made clear sense. And I add, "Do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give yourself.”
― Bell Hooks


“It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.”
― James Baldwin

Namaste 

Today

I woke up this morning, made my coffee and opened Facebook.  As I scroll, all I see is negative.  People posting about the negative in their life, sharing posts of all the chaos in the world, bitching about the politics, religion, etc.  I am tired.  I am tired of the endless negative feed.  So, I quickly close Facebook and go to YouTube.  I needed some positive input and inspiration.  I just typed in "inspirational videos" and viola! Exactly what I needed!  After feeding my soul a little, I made a decision about today.  Today I am going to change my focus.  I am going to put out there that which I desire.  Today, I will play with my children and rejoice in their laughter.  Today, I will be love, compassion, and patience.  Today, I will smile at strangers and move with grace.  I will change my focus to see the positive and revel in it.  When I step outside, I will not see how much the grass has grown and focus on the fact it needs to be mowed again.  Instead, I will see the beauty in growth.  I will see the blooms on my plants and be amazed at the cycle of life.  I will make a choice to shut out anything that tries to bring me down and place my attention on things that bring me happiness.  I will be thankful for this life I have.  I will not focus on what I do not have, but instead on what I do have.  I will make a wonderful meal and be thankful that I CAN.  I will spend time with people I care about and listen as they speak.  When my children test my limits, I will smile and see their independence and resilience.  I will remember those that I have lost with a smile on my face.  This will remind me how blessed I am to have had them in my life and remember all that they have given me. 

We've all heard the saying "tomorrow is not promised".  In fact, it is not.  Tomorrow might be a great day.  What if it is not?  What if something tragic happens in my life?  Today needs to be special.  Today needs to be the great day.  I cannot put off redirecting my focus until tomorrow.  I have to start today.  I will put aside my stresses and worries and remember that I am blessed.  It is my choice on how I look at things in life.  I choose to look at the positive.  I trust that everything is working out just as it should.  I understand that my choices today represent who I am and what I believe. I understand that I am the example for my children and how I approach life directly affects them. 

Today, I will be love.  I will be compassion.  I will be kind.  I will encourage.  I will uplift.  I will do all these things with joy and excitement.  I will be thankful. 

This will take a conscious effort, but the mind is a powerful thing.  Tomorrow, I will do the same.

What will you do today?


“Forget yesterday - it has already forgotten you. Don't sweat tomorrow - you haven't even met. Instead, open your eyes and your heart to a truly precious gift - today.”
― Steve Maraboli

“At any given moment the choice to be happy is present- we just have to choose to be happy.”
― Steve Maraboli

“Remember, happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely upon what you think. So start each day by thinking of all the things you have to be thankful for. Your future will depend very largely on the thoughts you think today. So think thoughts of hope and confidence and love and success.”
― Dale Carnegie

“Harness the power of today. Seize the blessings of today! Make something happen, enhance your life, make someone laugh, help a friend, love, love, love!”
― Steve Maraboli

Living in Love

Everyone wants to be In Love.  We feel that when our relationships don't work out, we may never find love again.  We are undeserving or afraid of the next relationship.  I think you should know that we don't have to be "in love"  because we live in Love.  Love surrounds us everyday.  You just have to open your heart to see it.  I have thought about this a lot lately and Love has shown itself to me tenfold.

When my husband and I first separated almost two years ago, I had absolutely no interest in dating anyone.  My focus was solely on healing myself and my children.  Eventually, I began to date and thus far unsuccessfully.  People have too many issues or a misconception of love.  Love is just love and nothing else.  It is not jealousy, insecurity, or fear.  It is not forceful or deceitful.  It is gentle and nurturing and honest.

Love does not just come from your partner.  I know you are aware of this and are probably thinking to yourself "no shit, April".  But I implore you to think on this.  Some of us walk around in a cloud of despair because we feel we are unloved.  I'll share with you some of the love I have seen, felt and witnessed.

One of my absolute favorite notions of love is bath time with my kids.  Every night, I sit on the side of the bathtub to ready the water.  I make sure it is the right temperature and then I place the stopper in the bath.  All the while my two little ones are getting ready for their bath and talking, usually nonstop.  Sometimes they are arguing with each other, or myself.  There are times they are singing or making each other giggle.  The moment that strikes me though is when they step into the bathtub.  As I still sit on the side of the tub and each one gets in, they place there tiny hand on my shoulder to steady themselves as they step over the side.  During this one beautiful moment, there are no words between us.  Sometimes, I reach up and place my hand over theirs.  They probably have no idea how much this gesture moves me, but it does. Every time.  No matter what thoughts may be bouncing around my tired brain or how loud they are being, that one moment is priceless to me.  Love, love, love.

I see love between them too.  They may fight like cats and dogs, but if one gets in trouble, the other is right there to soothe.  It's amazing to see the bond between my children.  My oldest is 15 and mothers them as much as plays with them.

My children give me so much love.  We literally live "in love".  It is all around us.  Of course there are angry moments and misbehaving, but we love each other all the while.

I have witnessed love from my friends that have called or texted me for no reason other than to say I love you and I miss you.  I have witnessed love from the phone call from family members just to check in and say hello.  I have seen love in the elderly couple that walks together still holding hands.  I have heard love in my daughter's beautiful voice.

We live in love everyday.  It is all around us and in us and through us.  Don't misjudge love or expect too much of it, for it is subtle and kind.  Open your heart, open your eyes and receive.  I choose to receive Love and give Love and live Love and breathe Love.  You are Love and Love is you.  You can portray love in everything you do.  You can be love.  What do you choose?

~Namaste~