To be selfish or self-centered has taken on a negative definition. However, to be centered in one's self is to have self awareness and, I believe, self love. I'm sure you have heard it or read it before, but you cannot truly love someone until you love yourself first. Why? Because real love starts with you. If you are constantly looking for someone to fill a void, make you feel good about yourself, uplift you, then your relationships won't work. If you are with someone that is filling a need you have (or vice versa), what happens when you no longer have that need? To be successful in life, love, parenting, you must love yourself.
My experience as a child taught me a disbelief. How could I be worthy of love? There must be something wrong with me for my Father to abuse me. Whatever your trauma is, you must realize that it wasn't your fault nor something that you deserved. I was too young to comprehend this. It took years and some therapy for me isolate my disbelief and begin to nurture myself. I fought like hell to get where I am and I am so grateful that I did. Falling in love with myself has catapulted my life.
After two broken marriages, weight gain, and depression I decided to change my way of thinking. I have always been strong willed and strong minded. I never played victim and even as a child I decided that what happened to me was not going to define who I am. However, I still struggled in the love department. I realized that I was looking for love outside of myself. I wanted someone to fill the void. I was placing my happiness in someone else's hands.
I started with taking better care of myself. I began exercising again and eating healthier. During this journey of self improvement, I began to see a therapist. She helped me discover my disbelief about myself and gave me the tools to heal. The more work I did, the easier it became to see myself differently. I discovered a lot about myself that I really love. I also discovered areas that needed improvement.
As I trudged forward, it became joyful. Every single day is an opportunity to create yourself. You can choose who you want to be. Your upbringing, your experiences, your environment, they all play a part in who you are. However, we have the choice to use those things to benefit us. Perhaps you had a difficult childhood. It is your choice: do better or do the same. There are no excuses, only choices. Choices can be remade. If you make a poor choice the first time, forgive yourself and choose again.
One thing my therapist taught me was to do things for myself. I always believed that if I wasn't giving a 110% to my children, then I was a bad parent. The exact opposite is true. When we take the time to nurture ourselves and take care of our needs first, we are better for it. I started small. I never bought myself anything before. I told myself it was because I needed to spend that money on my children. The truth was, I didn't think I deserved it. So, I began to treat myself occasionally. I would stop and get the Starbucks coffee that I wanted but never treated myself to. New gym shoes? Yes! I deserve them. I joined a gym and began to take time to focus on myself and how I feel about myself. Once I dedicated some time to listening to my inner self and supporting her, I became a better parent. Before, I was stressed, tired, frustrated, angry and irritated. Without meaning or wanting to, I would take this out on my children. As much as I love them, I would find myself with a short temper and zero patience. The more I began to love myself, the more peace I obtained, the more I was able to give to my children. They deserve the best Mom that I can be. I assure you, I give more of me to my kids now than ever before. My kids are happy and healthy and I attribute some of that to the fact that they have a Mom who loves herself.
My hope is that they will see this example in me and have a love for themselves, as well. I hope that they grow up always having this love for themselves and being centered in themselves and not have to struggle to find it in mid-adulthood.
I know that I am worthy. I know that I am lovable. I know that I deserve good things. I know that I have a lot of love to give. I am secure in myself and my abilities. I love myself for who I am and all that I am becoming. Do you feel this way about yourself? If not, I urge you to take the steps needed to become centered in yourself. Learn to love yourself. No one will ever love you as much as you do or support you as much as you support yourself. How you treat yourself is how others will treat you.
“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”
― C. JoyBell C.
“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
― Steve Maraboli
“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.”
― Eartha Kitt
“One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others. There was a time when I felt lousy about my over-forty body, saw myself as too fat, too this, or too that. Yet I fantasized about finding a lover who would give me the gift of being loved as I am. It is silly, isn't it, that I would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself. This was a moment when the maxim "You can never love anybody if you are unable to love yourself" made clear sense. And I add, "Do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give yourself.”
― Bell Hooks
“It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.”
― James Baldwin
Namaste
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