Yesterday was my Father's 71st birthday. I haven't seen or spoken to him in 19 years. If you've read any of my blog, you know that I was molested by my father as a child. It has taken a lot to heal from the trauma. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't live my life as a victim. That decision put me on my healing path. I've had to learn self worth and self love. I had to learn that his actions were not about me, but his illness. I had to learn that it wasn't because I somehow deserved the pain or that it happened because I wasn't valued. It's been a long road, but I am whole, I am happy and I am loved.
When I had my first child, Arianna, I was living in Arizona. She was just a few weeks old and I made the trip to East Texas to visit my family. My oldest sister was holding this beautiful, tiny little of girl of mine and had a flashback memory. Her memory was walking in and seeing my Father touching me in my crib. I was about the same age, she thought. I stood there staring at them both. I watched the tears flow down my sister's cheeks. I knew right then that he would never be given the opportunity to hurt my daughter. She would never experience what I did and I would do whatever it took to protect her. I walked into the other room and picked up the phone and called him. He sounded happy to hear from me. I told him in a very calm voice that I would never see him again. I told him that I would not allow him in the presence of my daughter, that I needed to protect her at all cost and to please not contact me.
Over the years, I have healed my heart. Part of that process was to forgive him. I honestly came to a place where I did forgive him completely. This was the most freeing part of my journey. Forgiveness really does set you free. Letting go of all the negative emotions and finding peace is imperative if you want to move on. I had the thought about a year ago that I should tell him that I had forgiven him. I felt that if I gave him that knowledge, it would help him and myself. So, yesterday I did just that. I sent him a message. It felt amazing. I thought that finding forgiveness was enough, but once I let it be known, it gave me more peace than I imagined.
Let go of your hurt. Let go of your trauma. Forgive yourself. Forgive those who have caused you pain. Holding on to it only hurts you. Below is the message I sent him. I hope this helps you. I hope you find your forgiveness.
Dad,
I hope this letter finds you well on your birthday. It has been 19 years since we’ve spoken. I wanted to take the opportunity to reach out
to you and hopefully give you some peace.
I am not opening a line of communication between us. It is not my desire to restore our
relationship. What I do want to do is
let you know that I have forgiven you.
Actually, I forgave you a long time ago.
I feel that my next step in healing is to give you the knowledge of
that. My hope is that you may live the
rest of your life with some peace. I’m
sure you have carried guilt, anger, and many other emotions through the
years. I don’t want you to hurt any
longer. I have no anger in my
heart. I have no hate. I have no animosity. I worked hard to heal and I want you to know
that I am okay.
That decision I made so many years ago was to protect my
children. I hope you can understand
that. My children have taught me what
love really is. My love runs so deep for
them and I couldn’t put them in harm’s way.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. Even if we don’t understand it at the
time. I wouldn’t be the strong,
independent woman that I am today if it weren’t for the things I’ve been
through in my life. I wouldn’t be the
parent that I am. I wouldn’t change the
events in my life. I love myself. It took a long time to learn how to do that,
but I did learn. It is a great feeling. I hope that you love yourself too. I hope that you forgive yourself. Forgiveness is powerful.
With all that being said, I will end by saying
Happy Birthday. I send you my love and
hope your day is blessed. Take care of
yourself and know that your daughter is happy. "Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness." ~ Marianne Williamson
"To err is human; to forgive, divine." ~ Alexander Pope
"You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentally. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it'." ~ Maya Angelou
Kia Kaha
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