If you love someone, let them go

If you love someone, let them go.  This is a hard statement to swallow sometimes.  Why on earth would you want to let someone go if you love them?  All we want is to hold them close, keep them near.  Often, those we love make us feel so good that we cannot imagine letting them go.  Maybe, it's all in how you look at it.  I think that letting someone go, although it may not be easy, is the most selfless thing you can do.  If you put restraints on a person, they will eventually resent you.  Letting someone go is to let them BE.  Let them reach for their dreams and support them, no matter what.

Perhaps their dreams are to travel and see the world.  Let them go, let them be.  Send your love with them and they will feel it and know that you are always there.  They will know they can trust you and count on you.  Your heart may ache when they are not with you, but knowing that they are living the life they choose, the life that brings them happiness, is worth it.

Even if the person you need to let go is ill, you must let them go.  There are always stories of people in hospitals and hospice that hang on to life while their family members are there, but once the family leaves or the person is told it's okay to go, they pass.  Why would you want a loved one in pain or with no quality of life to live for you?  Because you don't want to loose them?  Your pain will heal, let them go.

What if it is your child?  What if they want to leave for college or the service?  What if they don't want to anything spectacular with their life?  What if they have different views than you?  You should not force your idea of who they should be upon them.  Let them be who they are.  Of course you can guide them and teach them good character, but don't try and change the core of who they are to fit what you envisioned them to be. 


Don't ever limit a person.  Be it your partner, your child, your friend.  Love them, let them be who they are and spread their wings and fly!!

~Kia Kaha~

Cancer Sucks

My Mom has cancer.  I never in a million years thought that I would say that.  It is a very hard reality to face.  In June 2011, she was diagnosed with lung cancer.  We were somewhat relived when they staged her at 2A.  July 6, 2011 she had surgery and they removed a grapefruit size tumor and half her lung.  There was a biopsy of other areas and lymph nodes removed.  We thought all was well and she was on the road to recovery.  My Mom was only 62 when she was diagnosed. 

On September 16, 2011 she called me because she was having some problems with the left side of her body and feared that she was having a stroke.  We talked about all the symptoms and she said that she would let me know what she decided to do.  I took my daughter to the local fair for some girl time, but I knew all along that I would receive a call that wouldn't be good.  Sure enough, I got the call that she was in ER.  My daughter and I left immediately to be with her and my Dad at the hospital.  It is about an hour drive and when I was about 20 minutes away, she called me.  She asked me to pull over and told me that they did a scan and saw a tumor, in her brain.  I yelled, I cried and I beat my phone against the steering wheel.  My mind simply could not comprehend what she just told me.  I made it to the hospital and they decided to transfer her to the hospital she was in when she had surgery.  It was very emotional there and I won't go into the private moments.

My daughter and I drove another hour to the other hospital and stayed with her and my Dad until 2:00 am.  The following day we went back, along with other family members to receive the news.  Seven tumors.  Seven freaking tumors!  Surgery was not an option.  She was brave and loving and scared all at the same time.  My sons birthday party was the next day and she insisted she be released so that she could attend. The doctors wanted to do Whole Brain Radiation Therapy.  She had the procedure in September.  In January 2012, she had SRS on 4 tumors.  On her follow up scan, some had shrank and were inactive and then there were new ones.  In April 2012, she had SRS on five.  That is a ton of radiation to the brain.  Not to mention the exposure from all the scans.

Since the Whole Brain Radiation Therapy, she hasn't been the same.  She requires twenty-four hour care.  My Dad has devoted his entire life to taking care of her.  The treatment put her down for weeks.  It exhausted her.  She went from being my active, motivated, loving Mother to a shell of herself.  It is so hard to see her this way.  The hair loss, the body changes, the memory, the anger, the pain, the sorrow.  She has had some really bad days and some really good days. 

I want to be with her as much as I can, but when I go visit she doesn't talk much.  I went yesterday and the whole time I was there I saw her for about 10 minutes because she didn't want to get out of bed.  I just want to be able to talk to her again.  Some days, it feels like I've already lost her.  She recently had the cement injection (Kyphoplasty) because she has fallen a couple times and fractured a vertebrae.  Before the surgery, she was put on muscle relaxers that caused massive hallucinations.  That was really hard to deal with.  Not only did she see crazy things, but we were all against her.

You think that your parents will live until they are really old. You don't expect it when you are still young and you have young children.  My two youngest may not have any memories of her at all.  That's a tough one to swallow.  My sisters and I talk and we keep waiting for the Motherly speeches.  We say if it were us, we would write our children letters, or video, or anything to tell them how much we love them.  We don't get that from her.  I don't blame her for it, it's just not who she is.  

As a family, we haven't spread the word about my Mom's cancer to everyone.  We don't post it on Facebook or anything.  Partly, because we didn't want any negative thoughts about it.  Especially when it was just lung cancer and we thought it could be beat.  But in order to let go of the pain, you have to get it out.  This is my means.  I don't know how much time we have.  I do know that when she goes, it will break my heart, but at the same time, I will be a little bit relieved that she is no longer in pain.  My heart aches everyday and I cry a lot.  I handled it well at first, but lately it has taken it's toll on me.  There is so much to the story, but like I said, I'll keep the private stuff to myself.  At least for now.

All I can say is, if there is someone you love...tell them.  You never know what can happen.

~Namaste~     

Turmoil

Turmoil ~ a state of great commotion, confusion, or disturbance; tumult; agitation; disquiet

I began this blog earlier today with the title 'If you love someone, let them go'.  I will have to write that one another day.  The word that keeps coming to me today (for a while actually) is Turmoil.  This is the state I am in and I feel frayed.  There are so many things going on in my life right now.  I am experiencing so much at one time.  For a long time I felt stagnant... as though I were waiting.  I decided to take action and put things in motion.  Boy, did I ever!  There is major change occurring in my life right now and all I can do is hope that I make the right choices.  It is sometimes difficult to distinguish between fear, emotion, intuition and instinct.  I am at a crossroads and I have to choose the best path.  I have to write my next chapter.  The thing about it is that this is not just my life.  My choices will affect those I love the most.  However, I have been told that "if you're okay, they're okay".  


I have moments of complete contentment, but they don't last long.  They are beautiful moments when all feels right with the world and I feel at peace.  I cherish those moments.  They bring me an idea of what the future has in store for me.  I will get to a place where I feel that way all the time.   


Sometimes transition is difficult.  I must follow my True North and trust that I will be guided through this with love.  Some days, my heart aches so much that all I can do is cry.  Some days, I feel as though I have so much love to give.  Other days, I feel as though I might explode.  I feel like I am ready to shine.  I have to cast away the things that have clouded my vision and see the truth.  The events or circumstances that have had a negative impact on my life do not define me.  They may have helped to mold and shape me, but they are not who I am.  I can choose which things to take with me and which ones to leave behind.  

The journey is not always easy, but I know in my heart that all will work out as it should.  My tears cleanse my soul and ready me for another day.  When all these things are being thrown at me, I must choose what to catch, what to let go, what to dodge, and what to throw back.  

I will work through the turmoil.  I will find peace in my soul.  It's just the getting through it that's the hard part.  
For those of you that are in my life right now, thank you.  Some of you I lean on, some of you put a smile in my heart, some of you are great teachers, all of you I will keep forever.   Thank you for reading this post today.  In that way, you have listened to me.  I have been heard.


~ Namaste ~

Caring & Expectations

I've been a little irritated lately, because I have felt as though people do not care as much as I do.  That leaves me feeling as though I put myself out there and my feelings are not reciprocated.  It is a tough thing to not have expectations of people or situations.  I have the thoughts "what is it about me that causes that person to care less for me?"  or "why am I not good enough?".  It came to me today that I have put expectations on how someone shows that they care and this, I cannot do.  We are all different and we all show affection differently.  So, perhaps a person cares just as much as I do, they just don't show it or they show it in a different way. Maybe, that person cares as much as they are able and their ability is limited.  This makes me wonder... Do we show we care how we know best, or do we learn how someone else needs to see it and show them on their terms?  This would take much effort, but wouldn't the other person feel even better for it?  But one could argue that instead, the person on the receiving end, should receive it how it is given and take from it what they can.  However it is, I urge you to show the people in your life that you care for them.  If you do not show it to them, they cannot see it.  You can say "I love you" everyday and it mean nothing.  Actions speak volumes.  

Our time together is limited.  If you were not here tomorrow, would your loved ones know that you love them?  That you truly care?

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”   ~ Leo F. Buscaglia

 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  ~Maya Angelou

 

 

~ Namaste ~ 

True North

I've been contemplating on what to post about.  Should I begin with my history?  Should I write about the latest events in my life?  I have so much to tell.  I've written this blog in my head so many times, I didn't know which one to choose.  I was thinking about it this morning while I was getting ready for work.  After I finished my hair and makeup, I took one last look in the mirror.  I caught a smile on my face.  It kind of took me by surprise.  What on earth was I smiling about?  Then as soon as I had the thought, I realized it was because I like the person I saw in the mirror.

That hasn't always been the case.  I've been through a lot in my life, as most of us have.  Some of those events damaged  how I perceived myself.  I had the belief that I had no worth, I was unlovable and not valuable. I've learned in the last year, through therapy and self reflection, that I am valuable. 

Ever heard the saying "find your true North"?  It represents who you are as person.  It is respecting yourself and living your life in a manner that is true to you.  In a world of chaos, it helps you stay on track with your values, motivations, and your own leadership.  I've discovered that once I began to really love myself, my true North showed itself to me.  I am also amazed at all the places I find motivation and inspiration.  My eyes are open and my heart is healing.

Use your inner compass and find your true North.  Respect and love yourself.  It is the single greatest thing you can do.

I use to feel guilty for doing things for myself.  I felt that if I did not devote all of myself to my family, that I was neglecting them somehow.  Let me tell you, that is far from the truth.  Once I began to do little things for myself, to take care of me, I became a better person.  I am more patient with my children and they are better for it.  I am able to project the love I have inside and let people feel how special they are to me.  There are days when I still struggle with self-love, but I am on the journey.  That smile on my face was a long time coming... I have a smile in my heart too.

For those of you close to me, that have inspired me, motivated me, appreciated me... thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Namaste

Welcome

Welcome to my blog.  I still have a lot of updating to do, so be patient.  I've toyed with the idea of starting a blog for quite some time now.  I've recently been inspired and decided to just go for it.  Time to put myself out there.  I don't have a specific theme or idea.  I will tell stories from past, present and future.  I will take you with me on my journey.  Hopefully, I can make you laugh and perhaps bring some healing into your life.  I am a Mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend.  There are many sides to me and you will likely get to most of them.  This is a learning experience for me, so I'm sure my blog will get better as I go.  So here's to today, tomorrow and the journey.