It has been many months since I posted in my blog. There are multiple reasons, I guess. I've been busy, for one. Mostly, though, was fear. I have never considered myself one to be afraid. I have faced so many things, head on. Knowing that what we fear the most, happens, I have tried to fear nothing. However, after a conversation with my sister, I realized that was exactly why I haven't written. What am I afraid of? Well, I'm partly afraid of letting myself down. I feel like there is so much greatness in me. I have so much to give, to offer, to say, to express, to be. If I put it in a blog, it becomes more than just my thoughts. It is there for everyone to read, experience. Then what? I have to live up to it. If I write of finding peace, I have to be peaceful. If I write of the importance of loving yourself, I have to love myself. If I write of soul searching and finding happiness, I have to be happy. Truth is, I've struggled with all of these things in the last year, or two. I do realize that just because I write it, doesn't mean that I have mastered it, but I am very hard on myself. My expectations of myself far exceed anyone else's.
There are other fears too. When I write, I want to write truth. I don't want to only write half-truths or sugar coat anything. For instance, I am going through a divorce. We have been separated almost a year now and are just waiting on a court date for it to be final. There are so many times that I've wanted to write about this and express my feelings, frustrations, experiences. I would like to share the whole process with you, because my true hope is that anything I go through and learn from, might help you. Sometimes just knowing that someone else is dealing with the same issues can lift a burden. However, I haven't written any of it, with the exception of my thoughts on marriage in "When one door closes". Why? Because I post my blog on Facebook and I am friends with a lot of his family. I love and respect each one of them and hope to maintain a friendship with them. I am, by no means, a malicious person and wouldn't purposefully write anything to hurt anyone. Divorce is hard and it sucks. I think it would have been beneficial to me to be able to write about it. Let it out. I have decided that I will not let fear of what people think stop me any longer. (I hope) Hopefully, my blog represents me the way I intend for it to and anyone who reads will understand that what I say is my truth and comes from my heart. It is my story. My life.
With all this being said, I looked at my life in other areas, wondering if fear had kept me from other things. Wholly cow! We are all (mostly) controlled by our fears. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could live without them? From big things to little things. How many of you (like me) have the desire, know-how, and motivation to open your own business? I have wanted to for years now. I am afraid to even start. How will I provide for my children until it is profitable? Where will I operate from? How will I get the start up money? It is paralyzing. So, I just don't. Ugh.
We are a mess. Just look at us. Our relationships, our jobs, our whole damn lives are controlled by our fears. I haven't dated because I am afraid that I will put my trust in someone (yet again) and they will let me down. This also deals with expectations, but that will come later. I am also afraid of my children getting attached to someone and then it doesn't work out. I don't want to hurt them again.
What are you afraid of? Asking for a raise? Buying a house? Selling a house? Getting married? Having children? Getting a divorce? Let's step outside of our fear. Let's face them, one by one, until they can no longer exist. How do we do that? I don't know, but I intend to find out! I am facing mine. Like I said, there isn't much I fear, but what I do fear, I will work on.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson
“He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.” ~ Judy Blume
abri de la peur
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