Marriage... possibly the hardest thing I have ever done and I have been through some crap in my life! So many people get married for the wrong reasons. The first thing I will say is that if are looking for someone to 'complete' you, stop. When we look for someone to fill a void in us, we are sure to fail. We are whole individuals and you cannot come to a relationship less than that. When we truly love ourselves and know what we can bring to a relationship, then that is the beginning ingredient. We should compliment each other instead. What happens when you no longer have the need that your partner was fulfilling? Then what? It falls apart, that's what. Marriage is about growth, compromise, understanding, loyalty, teamwork, trust, etc. However, these things have to be equal in both partners or you end up with resentment. I've lived it. My marriage was a viscous circle of anger, resentment, and heartache. I was angry because I didn't feel important to my husband. I was angry because when we had children, my life changed, not his. So many other reasons for my anger that I won't go into. My purpose is not to place blame or bad mouth my husband. The more angry I was, the further it drove him away. My thought process was that if I showed him my anger, my disappointment, he would realize that things needed to change and he would love me again. I thought he would say "hey, she is angry at me, I better stay home and fix this". It had the exact opposite effect. I asked him on several occasions for counseling, but he wasn't in a place to 'hear' me. You can only hurt each other for so long before too much damage is done. If you are in a place in your marriage where you think things could be better, then make them better. Make changes before it is too late. Go to counseling. Learn how to talk to each other and more importantly, how to listen. Don't take each other for granted. Be a teammate, a partner, a support system. Say you are sorry.
Here are a few things that I believe about marriage:
1. Don't get married too young. We do not have a respect for the work it takes until we are older and mature enough to understand commitment. If you are a young couple in love, all you want is to get married and live happily ever after. Wait. If you really love each other, you will still be together in a few years.
2. Be respectful. Disrespect in any form can damage a marriage. Even the little things like not calling when you won't be where you are expected at a certain time. It is not about control or anything other than respect. Men, I will tell you that women worry. If you are late or had a change of plans, we think you've had a car accident and are lying in a ditch somewhere! Pick up the phone.
3. Do not text important decisions or conversations. It takes away from the value. Regular stuff is fine, but the important stuff, say it out loud.
4. Listen. No matter what your partner is saying. If your partner is telling you about their day at work, don't interrupt to tell about your day instead. Wait your turn. Not listening, intentionally or not, sends a message that your partner is not important to you and you don't care what they have to say.
5. Hear your partner. More than listening, you have to really hear what they are saying. Take it to heart. It may the last time you hear it.
6. Put each other first.
7. Never lie. Okay, you can lie about Christmas presents and things of that nature. Anything else, keep it honest.
8. Be each others best friend.
9. Don't go into a relationship with the thought "it will get better" or "I can change him/her" or "I can love them enough to fix them" or "maybe it can work". There should be no doubts or maybes. Women, we tend to think that we can heal the damaged soul or tame the lion or nurture him enough to make him happy and love us. I say this, we cannot. Those things only happen if he wants them to. He has to initiate his own healing and life changes. Otherwise we become the enemy and he resents us. Stop trying to fix the lost soul and instead nurture and love yours.
10. Build a fortress. Seriously. If you want a strong marriage, don't let the outside in. Outside influences, if they are the wrong ones, can be very damaging.
11. Have friends and separate interest, but do it with respect and trust.
12. Understand that we all have baggage. In a perfect world, we would leave it behind and not carry it to our next relationship. Please, try not to bring it with you. If your ex was a habitual liar, don't assume your current love is too and second guess everything they say. If your ex was a cheater, don't assume the worst of your current love. This, of course, is null and void if you keep attracting the same type of person that is no good for you. That is another subject all together, tho.
Marriage is hard work. When you make that commitment, be sure that you are willing to roll up your sleeves and do what it takes to make it a success. My marriage did not work that way. There is so much damage now that it cannot be fixed. I have mulled over all of it. I have visited all of the "what ifs". I know my children will be okay. He is a good Dad and will still be there for them. I have to think of them and what we were teaching them about marriage. I certainly don't want my kids to have the type of marriage I did. However, I am past the point of beating myself up over it. I know that things happen for a reason, even when we can't see it right away. When one door closes, another opens right? I am honestly looking forward to my future. Did I want to be single at 36 with three kids? Nope. But we did not respect each other or our marriage enough and this is where we ended up. So, take my advice, if you will or don't. It is your decision.
~ Namaste ~
