It is not an easy thing to watch someone die. I sit here and look at my Mother and what she has become. There are still shades of her here and there but so much of her has changed. Her body is like someone else's. Her legs have gotten so small, she barely has the strength to walk. Her beautiful face is swollen from extended steroid use. Her hands shake and look frail. I watch her to find pieces of the Mom I know and love. I find them occasionally, but they are becoming more sparse. Her memory is failing and her thoughts are jumbled and she hallucinates. My step-Dad has devoted his entire self to caring for her. Thank God for him. I can honestly say I don't know many men who would do what he is doing.
Her days consist of pain medication, little food and up and down out of the bed. She will lay in her bed for a while and then go sit outside until she's ready to lie down again. Taking care of her may be tiring, but it is an honor as well. I am privileged to lift her from her chair, to bathe her, to massage her legs, to lay her in her bed. She was my rock for so many years. I will always cherish these moments that I am here to care for her.
My heart does not know what to do right now. There are so many things going on in my life right now. I have moments when all I can do is cry. There are moments where I feel numb and just want to be alone. On top of my Mother's illness, my marriage is hanging on by a thread. It is tough when I don't know what tomorrow will feel like. My three beautiful children are the only thing that keeps me grounded. There are other things that trouble me that I may discuss later. Let us just say that my heart feels as though it has put itself on hold. I feel I am living in the background and not fully engaging. I am sure that is how I am coping at the moment. One day I will live again. I will calm the thoughts in my head and find the answers that my soul seeks. It is around the corner and I can feel it. I don't know what the answer is, but I know it will come and my heart will find peace. Right now my heart is floating over the ocean somewhere.
~Kia Kaha~
